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Many people wonder, “What does being in love truly feel like?” It’s a question often fueled by societal narratives of whirlwind romance and instant connection. While butterflies and fireworks might be part of the initial attraction, sustainable love often feels different. This article explores the deeper, more nuanced reality of what it means to be in love, moving beyond fleeting feelings to the core components of a healthy, lasting connection.
The Myth of the Perfect Relationship
Our culture often portrays love in extremes: either blissful perfection or tragic disaster. This leaves many feeling lost and confused about the normal challenges of a healthy relationship. Author Alain de Botton, in The Course of Love, highlights this lack of realistic portrayal. He argues that everyday struggles, like disagreements and moments of disconnect, are not signs of failure but rather evidence of a relationship unfolding as expected.
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We’re conditioned to believe that relationship difficulties signify a fundamental error in partner choice. However, navigating challenges like fluctuating feelings, periods of loneliness, or shifts in sexual desire are normal parts of the relationship journey. Understanding this allows us to address the underlying issues within ourselves rather than blaming our partners.
Beyond Feelings: The Foundation of a Lasting Connection
If feelings aren’t a reliable measure of love, what is? The true foundation of a healthy relationship lies in connection and shared core values.
Connection: The Importance of Feeling Safe and Seen
True connection goes beyond surface-level attraction. It’s about liking your partner as a person, feeling emotionally safe and supported, and knowing they are your secure base. This fosters a deep friendship where you prioritize each other’s well-being. While not constant, this sense of security and support underpins a lasting relationship.
Shared Values: Building a Life Together
Shared core values are crucial for long-term compatibility. This includes alignment on significant life decisions like having children, lifestyle choices, religious beliefs, work ethic, and financial management. Equally important is a shared willingness to address relationship challenges, take responsibility for individual shortcomings, and offer genuine apologies.
Recognizing and Addressing Red Flags
Healthy relationships are free from red flags like addiction (drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, lying) and abuse (betrayal, emotional, physical). While some red flags can be addressed with commitment and effort from both partners, recognizing them early is essential.
Shifting from “Feeling” to Foundation
Understanding that a good partnership is rare helps to shift our perspective. Instead of constantly seeking a “better” option, we can focus on cultivating gratitude for the present relationship and taking responsibility for our own happiness. This shift allows us to nurture the connection we have and build a love that is less about fleeting feelings and more about a solid foundation.
What Love Should Feel Like: Warmth, Comfort, and Tenderness
Ultimately, beneath the anxieties and uncertainties, love should feel like a warm, comforting, and tender embrace. It’s about finding solace and support in your partner’s presence, knowing you have a safe haven amidst life’s storms. It’s about building a life together based on mutual respect, shared values, and a deep, abiding connection.
