Love. It’s a word that’s thrown around so casually, yet it holds so much weight and complexity. From a young age, we’re bombarded with ideas of what love should be – from fairy tales to rom-coms, and even playground crushes. But understanding what love truly is often starts with understanding What Love Is Not. Especially in a culture that sometimes confuses infatuation with genuine connection, it’s crucial to discern the real deal from its counterfeits.
A father explaining love to his daughter, emphasizing the difference between fleeting feelings and true, lasting love.
Love Is Not Just a Feeling
Remember the innocent confusion of childhood crushes? When a 6-year-old declares they “love” someone because of a fleeting feeling, it highlights a common misconception: equating love solely with feelings. While feelings are a part of love, they are not the entirety of it. Love that’s based merely on feeling is as substantial as a spark compared to a bonfire. They share a core, but one is fleeting and the other is enduring and powerful.
True love transcends fleeting emotions. It’s a conscious choice, a commitment to someone that persists even when those initial sparks fade or when challenges arise. As pastor Matt Chandler wisely stated, “Love says, ‘I’ve seen the ugly parts of you, and I’m staying.’” This highlights the volitional aspect of love; it’s about choosing to remain dedicated even when feelings fluctuate, recognizing that genuine connection runs deeper than momentary emotions. It’s about choosing someone through thick and thin, understanding that real love is a steadfast decision, not just a surge of sentiment.
Love Is Not Manipulative
In the realm of relationships, a particularly damaging concept has gained prominence: “gaslighting.” This insidious form of manipulation is defined as psychologically manipulating someone into questioning their own sanity. The core of gaslighting is manipulation, a calculated effort to distort reality and make someone doubt their perceptions.
Gaslighting manifests as blame-shifting, lying, and intentional distortion. Imagine confronting a partner about romantic messages with someone else. A gaslighting response would involve deflecting blame, twisting the narrative to make you question your sanity or even suggesting you are at fault for their actions. You are left bewildered, doubting your own reality and feeling responsible for someone else’s wrongdoing.
This manipulative tactic is the antithesis of love. Love embodies responsibility, contrition, and humility. As one relationship expert aptly put it, “Love is owning 100% of your 1%.” This means taking accountability even for the smallest part of a problem. A loving partner takes ownership of their actions, rather than resorting to manipulation to evade responsibility. Don’t mistake gaslighting for love; genuine love builds trust and honesty, not confusion and self-doubt.
Love Is Not Intentionally Hurtful
It’s crucial to acknowledge that vulnerability is inherent in love. Opening your heart to someone means opening yourself to the possibility of pain. As C.S. Lewis profoundly wrote, “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.” Human beings are imperfect, and unintentionally, we may cause pain to those we love.
However, there’s a stark difference between the inevitable hurts of human imperfection and intentional hurt, particularly abuse. Love is unequivocally not abusive. Abuse in any form – physical, sexual, or emotional – is a clear indicator that love is absent. An abusive partner does not understand love; they are using and controlling, not cherishing and respecting.
Victims of abuse are often gaslighted into believing that the abuse is normal or even their fault. This is a dangerous lie. Abuse is never an expression of love. Love is characterized by kindness, gentleness, and care. Love establishes healthy boundaries and respects those limits. Abuse, in all its forms, crosses those boundaries and violates the fundamental tenets of love. If you are experiencing abuse, recognize it for what it is: not love.
Love Is Not Selfish
Years of navigating marriage underscore a fundamental truth: love is inherently selfless. In a world that often promotes self-interest and portrays relationships as transactional, this can be a challenging concept to grasp. We are bombarded with messages that prioritize personal wants and desires, fostering a “what can I get out of it?” mentality in relationships. When expectations aren’t met, or feelings wane, the societal script often suggests discarding the relationship.
But true love operates on a different principle. Love as a choice often means prioritizing the other person’s needs and well-being. Ironically, in a relationship where both partners are committed to putting each other first, a beautiful synergy emerges. Both individuals feel valued and cared for. Conversely, when both partners are self-seeking, the relationship becomes a struggle, characterized by conflict and dissatisfaction.
Selfishness may occasionally surface in any relationship, but it should not be the defining characteristic. The ideal to strive for is selflessness, consistently choosing to put the other person first. This isn’t about erasing oneself, but rather about finding joy and fulfillment in contributing to the happiness and well-being of your partner.
The True Definition of Love
So, what then is love? For a profound and timeless description, we can turn to the words in 1 Corinthians, which beautifully encapsulates both what love is and what it isn’t:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
This description provides a powerful benchmark for understanding true love. It’s a love that was perfectly exemplified by Jesus, who chose to endure pain for others, embodying humility and selflessness. He was not manipulative, hurtful, or selfish, but rather gave his life as the ultimate act of love.
While achieving this ideal of love is a lifelong journey, understanding what love is not is the first crucial step. If you’ve experienced hurt, manipulation, or gaslighting, recognizing these behaviors as the opposite of love is empowering. It allows you to seek and cultivate relationships grounded in genuine, selfless love – the kind of love that sees the imperfections and chooses to stay, a love worth emulating and experiencing in its fullness.
