How Do You Know When You Love Someone? Decoding the Signs of True Love

It’s a question that has echoed through ages, whispered in hushed tones and pondered in silent contemplation: “How do you know when you love someone?” In a world saturated with fleeting connections and superficial sentiments, discerning genuine love can feel like navigating a labyrinth. Are you truly in love, or is it infatuation, fear, or mere convenience masking as the real deal? Understanding the difference is crucial for building healthy and fulfilling relationships.

Many times, what we perceive as love is actually rooted in fear. This fear-based “love” can manifest in several ways, often leading to unhealthy relationship dynamics. It’s essential to distinguish these fear-driven impulses from the genuine article.

Recognizing Fear-Based Attraction vs. True Love

Love, in its purest form, is expansive and liberating. Fear, on the other hand, is constricting and demanding. When your actions and feelings in a relationship are primarily driven by fear, certain red flags become apparent. These can include:

Rushing into commitment because of a ticking biological clock: Feeling pressured by time constraints to find a partner can lead you to settle for someone who isn’t truly right for you. This urgency stems from a fear of missing out on life milestones rather than genuine love.
Worrying about ending up alone: The fear of loneliness can be a powerful motivator, pushing you into relationships simply to avoid solitude. This fear can cloud your judgment and make you mistake comfort or security for love.
Defining a successful life solely by having a romantic partner: If your self-worth is contingent on being in a relationship, you might latch onto any partnership, regardless of its quality. This external validation seeking is a sign of fear of inadequacy, not love.
Staying in a relationship due to invested time: The sunk cost fallacy can trap you in unsatisfying relationships. Feeling obligated to stay because of the time already invested, despite unhappiness, is driven by fear of “starting over,” not love.
Believing you need to settle due to “high expectations”: While it’s important to have realistic expectations, lowering your standards out of fear of being alone is detrimental. True love doesn’t require settling; it’s about finding someone who genuinely meets your core needs and values. Focus on your non-negotiable standards – these are never too high when it comes to love and respect.

The Love Trifecta: Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment

To further understand the nuances of love, consider the “Love Trifecta,” a concept based on Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love. This theory highlights three crucial components that, when balanced, contribute to what we recognize as true love:

Passion (in a broader sense): While Sternberg initially defined passion as primarily sexual attraction, we can broaden this to encompass a deep interest and engagement with your partner. Think of “passion” as the same focused energy you might have for a hobby or a career you deeply care about. In love, this translates to actively wanting to learn about your partner, spending quality time with them, and being genuinely invested in their life and well-being. It’s about being passionately interested in who they are as a person.
Intimacy: This is the emotional cornerstone of love. Intimacy is about feeling deeply connected and emotionally close to your partner. It’s the comfort of vulnerability, the safety of sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings without judgment, and the sense of being truly seen and understood. Intimacy fosters a strong emotional bond and mutual trust.
Commitment: Love is not just a feeling; it’s also a conscious decision and a commitment to build a life together. Commitment is the promise to support each other through thick and thin, to navigate life’s challenges as a team, and to prioritize the relationship. It’s the unwavering knowledge that your partner has your back, and you have theirs, regardless of external circumstances. Commitment provides stability and security within the relationship.

Alt text: A loving couple embraces, symbolizing intimacy and connection in a healthy relationship.

Empathy: Walking in Your Partner’s Shoes

Another key indicator of true love is empathy. When you love someone, you genuinely care about their emotional well-being. Empathy is the ability to understand and share your partner’s feelings. It means being mindful of their emotional state, recognizing what brings them joy and what causes them distress.

This isn’t about codependency, which stems from fear and unhealthy boundaries. Empathy in love is about wanting to support your partner in feeling secure, happy, and fulfilled, while still maintaining your own sense of self and well-being. It’s about compassionately responding to their needs and emotions with understanding and support.

Creating Soulmate Relationships: Love as an Action, Not a Predestined Fate

The concept of “soulmates” can often be misleading and detrimental to healthy relationships. The idea of a single, perfect soulmate waiting for you can breed scarcity mindset and fear of missing “the one.” This notion can trap people in unhealthy relationships, lead to lowering standards, and create self-doubt and regret. True love is not about finding a missing piece but about creating a fulfilling partnership with another whole individual.

Instead of searching for a soulmate, focus on becoming a soulmate partner. This shift in perspective is empowering and love-based. Consider these questions:

How do you want to show up in a relationship?
How do you want to treat your partner?
What kind of thoughts do you want to cultivate about your partner?
Do you want to experience joy and laughter daily in your relationship?
Do you aspire to feel confident and connected with your partner?
How do you want to communicate with your partner?
How do you want to resolve disagreements constructively?
How do you want to give and receive love and care?
How do you want to feel about yourself within the relationship?
How can you actively lead with love every day?

Alt text: A joyful couple shares a laugh, demonstrating the happiness and connection found in loving relationships.

A soulmate relationship is not found; it’s co-created daily through conscious effort, mutual respect, and unwavering commitment. You can cultivate soulmate-like connections not just in romantic partnerships but also with friends and family. Deepening all your relationships by showing up as a loving and whole individual is the key to experiencing profound connection.

Love is abundant and accessible. Start with yourself, cultivate self-love and compassion, and you’ll find that opportunities for deep and meaningful connections are all around you. Knowing when you love someone is less about grand gestures and more about the consistent presence of passion, intimacy, commitment, and empathy in your relationship. It’s about the quiet understanding, the shared joy, and the unwavering support that builds a love that truly lasts.

Resources

Finding the Spark Again in Your Relationship (or for the First Time)

What to Do When the Honeymoon Phase Ends in Your Relationship

How Attached Are You in Your Relationship?

How 5 Minutes of Mindfulness a Day Can Make Your Relationship Great

How to Make Mindfulness a Habit

Mindfulness Hacks

You’ve Got to Have High Standards and Low Expectations

3 Steps to Loving Detachment

How to Practice Loving Detachment

5 Signs You’re in an Unhealthy Relationship (and 5 Simple Ways to Fix It)

How to Stop Being Insecure in Your Relationships