Couple riding bike together in nature
“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” ~Carl Jung
Many individuals embarking on the quest for a new relationship often fall into the trap of seeking someone to complete them. They envision a partnership where they share their life with a mirror image of themselves. Consequently, they present an idealized version of themselves to potential partners, striving to be either the flawless half of a whole or the embodiment of what they believe their future partner desires.
However, in my experience, discovering your soul mate necessitates a profoundly different and soul-enriching strategy. Finding true love isn’t about seeking completion in another person; it’s about embracing your authentic self and living a life that resonates with your soul. Here are six transformative steps that guided me on my journey to finding lasting love:
1. Stop Searching for “The One” and Start Finding Yourself
It might seem paradoxical, but ceasing the relentless search for a soul mate is often the first step in actually finding one. This was certainly true in my journey to meeting my husband. After a significant two-year relationship ended – one I was convinced was destined to be “the one” – I decided to shift my focus inwards. I embarked on a journey of self-discovery, aiming to truly understand and accept myself, heal old emotional wounds, and explore and cultivate new facets of my personality.
In the past, I had mistakenly believed that contentment was contingent on being in a relationship. I equated being loved by someone else with feeling loved myself. Breakups felt excruciating, as if a part of my very being was being torn away.
This period of self-reflection revealed a crucial truth: I needed to learn to be whole and complete within myself. It was when I began prioritizing this inner work that my life started to transform, paving the way for true love to enter.
2. Live Authentically: Embrace Your True Path
As I delved deeper into self-discovery and began to follow my own unique path, I started crafting a life that held genuine meaning for me. I liberated myself from the constraints of external expectations, no longer adhering to societal norms or the prescribed ideas of others. Finding love became less about fitting a mold and more about living a life true to my own values and desires.
This shift might not always be met with universal approval. Loved ones, including family, may express disappointment when you deviate from their expectations. However, achieving personal fulfillment necessitates prioritizing your own needs and desires. You must fulfill yourself before you can truly share yourself with another.
Living authentically ensures you gravitate towards environments, professions, and relationships that align with your life’s purpose and your authentic self. This alignment significantly increases the likelihood of encountering your soul mate, as your paths will naturally converge when you are both living in accordance with your true selves.
3. Ditch the Ideal Partner Persona: Be Your Real Self
An unexpected benefit of living a life aligned with your true self is that you naturally become more attractive. Authenticity radiates. You become more genuine, substantial, valuable, passionate, joyful, and present. This inner radiance translates into a natural and effortless beauty, making you magnetic to your soul mate. Finding love becomes less about manufactured charm and more about genuine connection.
Conversely, when you consciously try to mold yourself into an “attractive” persona to find someone, you inevitably alter your behavior and presentation. This facade can inadvertently obscure your true self, making it less likely for your soul mate to recognize you, even if they were to appear.
Therefore, embrace your authentic self. Whether your personal style leans towards corporate chic, relaxed resort wear, casual comfort, or formal elegance, let your clothing choices reflect your genuine preferences and mood. Don’t feel pressured to conform to arbitrary standards of weight, muscle mass, or uncomfortable footwear if they don’t resonate with you. Engage in physical activities you genuinely enjoy, whether it’s hitting the gym, practicing yoga, walking in nature, surfing waves, or cycling through scenic routes.
A partner destined for a lasting relationship with you will value you for who you are, not for superficial aspects of your appearance. Tuning into your inner compass, pursuing activities that bring you joy, and wearing clothes that express your personality and make you feel comfortable are key. You will be far more alluring to your soul mate when you present yourself as your true, unadulterated self from the outset.
4. Cultivate Within Yourself the Qualities You Admire in Others
Most individuals only express a fraction of their full potential. We often confine ourselves to the persona we developed in response to our childhood environment. This stage of self-formation is a necessary part of development, as we must construct an ego or self to navigate and thrive within our family and social structures.
This development often involves prioritizing traits that are valued or deemed necessary for survival, while suppressing or disowning characteristics that are not. Consequently, we all possess hidden or unacknowledged aspects of ourselves that require eventual discovery and integration.
When we remain unaware of and disconnected from these disowned parts, we are often drawn to relationships with individuals who embody these very qualities. It’s as if we are subconsciously attempting to achieve wholeness through our partnerships. Finding love becomes intertwined with a quest for self-completion.
These relationships often ignite with intense initial attraction and a profound sense of completeness. However, they are frequently hindered by rigid relationship patterns where individuals become locked into relating from a limited aspect of themselves, bonding with the opposing aspect in their partner. These are known as “bonding patterns.”
For instance, a highly responsible man might assume the role of a “responsible father” in relation to his partner’s inner “pleasing daughter,” while a nurturing woman might become a “nurturing mother” to her partner’s inner “needy son.”
If the woman remains unconscious of her own capacity for responsibility, she may become overly reliant on her partner in this area. Conversely, if the man remains disconnected from his nurturing side, he might seek constant nurturing from her. However, when stress or vulnerabilities arise within the relationship, these bonding patterns can turn negative, leading to conflict and resentment as partners project their unmet needs onto each other.
Understanding bonding patterns has been invaluable in both my personal relationship and my journey of self-discovery. Awareness of these patterns serves as a roadmap, guiding me towards the parts of myself I have inadvertently suppressed or neglected.
While bonding patterns are a natural manifestation of how we give and receive love, and are therefore unavoidable to some extent, they can be navigated consciously and constructively. Even with increased self-awareness, unconscious dynamics will always play a role in relationships. However, recognizing the allure of others as a reflection of our disowned qualities, and actively working to reclaim and integrate these qualities within ourselves, can profoundly transform our relationships. Finding love, in this context, becomes a journey of self-integration as much as partner connection.
If you are already in a relationship and embark on this process of self-reclamation, as you and your partner embrace your disowned selves, you will begin to experience a deeper sense of wholeness both individually and together, enriching the relationship in profound ways.
5. Engage with Life: Be Open to Unexpected Opportunities
The evening I met my husband was a testament to the power of embracing life’s unexpected invitations. A friend had invited me to a party hosted by an acquaintance. Initially, I hesitated to attend.
I was tempted to decline, citing my lack of familiarity with the host and the fact that it was a Sunday night, with work looming the next day. However, I couldn’t pinpoint a compelling reason to stay home. I had made a personal commitment to be receptive to life’s spontaneous gifts, to say “yes” to invitations that seemed to arise from serendipity. This party felt like one of those moments.
Upon arriving at the party, there he was – my future husband, the man with whom I would build a family of three children and share twenty-five years of a fulfilling life together.
Was I actively searching for a partner when I attended that party? No. Meeting him was a complete surprise. Had I been preoccupied with finding a partner, I likely wouldn’t have even engaged in conversation with my husband that night.
When you approach every new encounter as a potential screening process for a lifelong commitment, it disrupts the natural flow of events and the organic connections that can form with people. Being perceived as someone who is evaluating others as potential “catches” can be off-putting and may inadvertently push people away. Finding love requires openness, not judgment.
The simplest way to overcome the habit of assessing others as potential life partners is to consciously stop searching for a partner altogether. Instead, cultivate genuine interest in the people you meet. Embrace the type of relationship that naturally unfolds, whether it evolves into a friendship, a professional connection, or a bond based on shared interests.
6. Let Love Unfold Naturally: Avoid Rushing the Process
When you meet someone with whom you feel a genuine connection, allow that connection the space and time to develop organically. If this person is truly your soul mate, the attraction and interest will be mutual. Authentic connection thrives when both individuals are genuinely present and attentive to each other, allowing something meaningful to blossom naturally.
There is no need for games, manipulative seduction tactics, or adhering to arbitrary timelines for relationship milestones. A successful, long-term relationship is not a game to be won. Finding love is about building genuine connection, not achieving a checklist.
Do you truly desire a relationship that was built on manipulation or pretense? Do you want your partner to be captivated by a fabricated image, requiring you to constantly hide your authentic self? Or do you yearn for a partner who loves you wholeheartedly, for who you truly are? Consider the kind of foundation you want to build, especially if you envision bringing children into this relationship.
Each relationship is as unique as the individuals involved. The way your relationship unfolds will be distinct and unrepeatable. You cannot meticulously plan its trajectory. Instead, immerse yourself in the process of getting to know each other, make conscious choices along the way, and trust in the unfolding journey. There is no magic phrase, no singular action that guarantees a specific outcome. Finding love is a process, not a destination.
Ultimately, the most effective approach to finding love is to live your life fully, learn to accept and love yourself unconditionally. As you cultivate self-love and authenticity, you will naturally attract and give love more fully, creating space for a truly fulfilling partnership to flourish.
About Astra Niedra
Astra Niedra writes about relationships and personal growth at her blog, Voice Dialogue in Daily Life.She is author of The Perfect Relationship, The Greatest Relationship Secret, The Simplest Relationship Remedy, Enlightenment Through Motherhood and Which Self are You?. Get a free ebook when you visit Astra’s blog and subscribe to her newsletter. Connect on Facebook and Twitter.
