If you’re grappling with the pain of getting over your first love, please know that you’re not alone. Heartbreak, especially from a first love, can feel incredibly intense and personal. It’s a profound reminder of our capacity to love deeply, and consequently, to feel pain just as deeply. It’s tough, but it’s also a very human experience, and you will get through this.
Acknowledge and Process Your Emotions
Know That You’re Not Alone.
Love and loss are universal threads in the human experience. When your heart is broken, it’s easy to feel isolated and as though no one understands the depth of your pain. Recognize that countless others have navigated this same path. Extend compassion to yourself for experiencing this challenging, yet fundamentally human, aspect of life.
Firstly, Feel It.
Allow yourself to fully experience your emotions. Trying to suppress or ignore your feelings will only prolong the healing process.
- If you’re sad? Let yourself cry. Allow the sadness to wash over you.
- If you’re angry? Acknowledge the anger. Find healthy ways to express it, like exercise or journaling.
- If you’re confused? It’s okay to not have all the answers right now. Confusion is a natural part of heartbreak.
Understand the Nature of Feelings
Know That Feelings Are Ever-Changing.
Imagine your emotions like watching a movie. Think about how quickly your feelings can shift while engrossed in a film – joy, laughter, sadness, then back to happiness. Feelings are fluid and transient, much like waves in the ocean; they rise, crest, and eventually recede.
When you’re in the midst of a breakup, the question, “Will I always feel this way?” might loom large.
The answer is a resounding, no!
You won’t feel this intense pain forever. Even during the most difficult days, there will be moments of respite. Perhaps a moment of joy when playing with your pet, or a chuckle at a funny message from a friend.
Be Conscious of Your Feelings and Notice When They Switch to Feelings of Joy, Happiness, Gratitude, Clarity or Excitement and Relish in Those Moments.
Feelings are meant to be experienced fully, without judgment. Observe them as they come and go, recognizing that the difficult emotions will eventually give way to lighter ones.
Connect With Your Support System
Express What You’re Going Through to People You Trust.
One of the most isolating aspects of heartbreak can be feeling like you have to hide your pain from the world. Putting on a brave face when you’re hurting inside can be emotionally exhausting.
Use this breakup as an opportunity to deepen connections with your friends and family. Sharing your experience can foster more open and honest relationships.
Knowing that your loved ones are aware of what you’re going through can be incredibly comforting. Even when you’re not directly discussing the breakup, the simple acknowledgement of your struggle can provide a sense of relief and ease. It allows you to be more present in the moment, shifting your focus from internal turmoil to your current surroundings and experiences. And remember, joy often resides in the present moment!
Talking to a trusted friend, a supportive coach, or a therapist can offer a broader perspective on the relationship and the breakup. Gaining an outside perspective can sometimes illuminate the reasons why this ending, though painful, might ultimately be beneficial for your personal growth.
Consider Expressing Yourself (With Discretion)
Express What You’re Feeling to the Other Person (Up to Your Discretion).
Sometimes, unresolved feelings can hinder the moving-on process. You might have ended the relationship trying to appear strong or unaffected, rather than expressing your true emotions.
Let Yourself Off the Hook for Not Saying the Perfect Thing to Them During the Breakup.
Breakups can be emotionally charged and messy. In the heat of the moment, especially if the breakup was unexpected, you might have reacted out of fear or ego, trying to protect yourself. However, suppressing your truth can prevent you from fully moving forward. This isn’t about trying to rekindle the relationship, but about releasing pent-up emotions for your own healing.
If you feel it’s appropriate and safe, consider expressing your true feelings to your ex-partner. If direct contact feels too difficult or unwise, writing a letter in a journal can be equally therapeutic. You don’t even need to send it; the act of articulating your feelings can be enough to facilitate release and closure.
Acceptance and Reframing
Accepting He or She Is Not Your Person (At Least Not for Right Now).
In the immediate aftermath of a breakup, especially a first love, it’s natural to focus on reconciliation. The question, “How do I get them back?” might dominate your thoughts.
Despite a deeper knowing that the relationship might not have been right for you, letting go of the idea of being with this person romantically can be incredibly challenging. If you’re struggling with acceptance, try gently reminding yourself, “He or she is not in my life in this form right now.” The future is unknown, and if this person is meant to be a significant part of your journey, they may reappear in your life in some capacity.
People enter our lives for a reason, at precisely the right time. Whether they are soulmates, best friends, or teachers, they are there to impart lessons or provide experiences that contribute to our growth. Some relationships are lifelong, while others are meant to be beautiful, shorter chapters.
First love breakups are particularly difficult because they often shatter a carefully constructed vision of the future. When you’re deeply in love, it’s natural to imagine a shared future, and it becomes the only future you can envision.
Accepting that they aren’t “your person” right now opens up the possibility that if they are truly meant to be, the universe will find a way to bring you back together when the time is right for both of your continued growth.
Forgiveness and Release
Forgive + Let Go.
Forgive your ex-partner for not meeting your expectations or for not showing up in the way you had hoped.
Forgive them for their youth and inexperience, if applicable.
Crucially, forgive yourself. By extending forgiveness, you release yourself from the grip of resentment and pave the way for letting go.
Consider exploring forgiveness meditations to aid in this process. If you feel a deep soul connection that makes it hard to move on, resources on breaking soul contracts can also be helpful.
Re-envision Your Future
Create a New Vision for the Future.
What are your unique goals, dreams, and passions, independent of your past relationship?
Post-breakup, anxiety about the future is common. The future you had envisioned has been dismantled, leading to the unsettling question:
“What do I do now? What does my future look like? I can’t even picture it.”
This feeling of uncertainty is valid and deserves compassion. Creating a new vision for yourself after heartbreak can feel overwhelming, but it’s also an opportunity.
The beauty of the unknown is that anything becomes possible.
With newfound space, you are free to pursue dreams that truly resonate with you. Travel to that place you’ve always longed to visit, consider moving to a new city, or strike up a conversation with someone interesting.
When we open ourselves up to new possibilities, the world responds with an abundance of opportunities.
Self-Reflection and Gratitude
Realizing Where Your Needs Weren’t Being Met.
Reflect on the relationship with a focus on your own needs. Often, in relationships, we might overlook whether our core needs are being fulfilled.
Consider what your core needs are – feeling safe, loved, respected, heard, etc. Looking back at the relationship through this lens can reveal areas where your needs were consistently unmet. This realization can provide clarity and validation for the breakup, highlighting that the relationship, despite its initial appeal, wasn’t ultimately the right fit.
Have Gratitude.
Practice gratitude for the person and the relationship itself.
Be grateful for experiencing love, for taking the risk of opening your heart.
Acknowledge the positive qualities your ex-partner possessed – you were attracted to them for a reason.
Be grateful and recognize that YOU attracted a person with those qualities. This means you have the power to attract those qualities again in future relationships and connections.
What lessons did you learn about yourself and relationships that will make you a stronger, more compassionate partner in the future?
Heartbreak cultivates empathy and self-awareness. You gain a deeper understanding of emotional vulnerability and become more mindful of the impact of your actions and words on a partner.
Embrace New Beginnings
Seeing Rejection as a Way to Open Up Space for the Right Things to Come In.
Believe that if something isn’t aligned with your highest good, the universe will intervene to redirect you.
In this case, the breakup, while painful, can be viewed as that redirection.
Whether it’s a job rejection or a relationship ending, these experiences can be seen as your “higher self” guiding you away from paths that aren’t meant for you, making you available for opportunities and connections that are more aligned with your true path.
Moving Forward and Attracting New Love
Attracting What’s Meant to Be.
When considering dating again soon after a breakup, only do so if it genuinely excites you.
The common advice, “Get back out there!” can be helpful, but only if you’re genuinely enthusiastic about meeting someone new.
Dating simply for the sake of dating, without genuine excitement, can be counterproductive. You might find yourself comparing new people to your ex, wondering if you’ll ever recapture that initial spark. You will, but it needs to be with someone who genuinely excites you, not just as a distraction.
Focus on nurturing yourself, pursuing your passions, and remain open to the possibility of attracting someone new who brings you joy.
Write Out Your New Ideal Relationship.
Get incredibly specific about what you desire in a future relationship.
- What is their personality like?
- Describe them emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. (Be open-minded about physical appearance – attraction can manifest in unexpected ways.)
- What are their values and priorities?
- How do they make you feel?
- What activities do you enjoy doing together?
Consider Tony Robbins’ advice: Define not only what you want in a relationship but also what you don’t want – your non-negotiables. Finally, reflect on the kind of person you need to be to attract and sustain the relationship you desire.
Focus on becoming the best version of yourself, the kind of person who is ready for a healthy, fulfilling relationship.
Create Newness.
This is the perfect time to reinvent your life. It might feel daunting, but introducing new experiences, excitement, and passions will attract more of the same.
Where have you always dreamed of traveling? Was there a city you longed to live in, but your relationship held you back? Now is your chance to pursue those desires.
Enroll in that yoga class, take that online business course, explore new hobbies, and cultivate new social circles. Surround yourself with people you genuinely connect with. As you create new, joyful memories, you’ll build a life you’re passionate about living as your authentic self.
It’s okay to acknowledge that building this vibrant life takes time. Commit to showing up for yourself and prioritizing your joy each day.
This newfound confidence and groundedness will naturally attract the right person into your life. Paradoxically, as you focus on creating a fulfilling life for yourself, the desire to “attract someone new” will lessen, and instead, you’ll attract incredible energy and experiences. A new, meaningful relationship will then become a natural and joyful byproduct of your radiant life.
