It’s a question that echoes in therapy rooms and late-night conversations alike: “I know love isn’t all butterflies and fireworks, but what does love feel like?” Many find themselves asking this, especially those who haven’t witnessed healthy relationships firsthand or experienced one themselves. The desire for a template, a clear description of healthy love, is understandable. It’s disheartening how many lack this basic understanding, navigating the complexities of relationships without a reliable guide. In a culture that often portrays love as an unattainable ideal or a dramatic rollercoaster, it’s no wonder people feel lost, questioning if their relationship is somehow “wrong” when it doesn’t match these unrealistic portrayals. Alain de Botton, in The Course of Love: A novel, poignantly captures this sentiment:
“The ordinary challenging relationship remains a strangely and unhelpfully neglected topic. It’s the extremes that repeatedly grab the spotlight – the entirely blissful partnerships or the murderous catastrophes – and so it is hard to know what we should make of, and how lonely we should feel about, such things as immature rages, late-night threats of divorce, sullen silences, slammed doors, and everyday acts of thoughtlessness and cruelty.”
“Ideally, art would give us the answers that other people don’t. This might even be one of the main points of literature: to tell us what society at large is too prudish to explore. The important books should be those that leave us wondering, with relief and gratitude, how the author could possibly have known so much about our lives.”
“But too often a realistic sense of what an endurable relationship is ends up weakened by silence, societal or artistic. We hence imagine that things are far worse for us than they are for other couples. Not only are we unhappy, we misunderstand how freakish and rare our particular form of unhappiness might be. We end up believing that our struggles are indications of having made some unusual and fundamental error, rather than evidence that our marriage is essentially going entirely according to plan.” p. 58
This quote highlights a crucial truth: relationship struggles are not only normal but expected. Navigating anxiety, doubt, uncertainty, and moments of disconnect is part of the journey. Feeling lonely or experiencing a dip in desire are common experiences in long-term partnerships. Understanding this normalcy is key. It allows us to shift focus from blaming the relationship itself to addressing our own internal wounds that might be amplifying these feelings. Instead of concluding “I chose the wrong partner,” we can begin to explore “What within myself needs attention and healing?”
The Myth of Constant Bliss in Relationships
The pervasive myth of constant bliss in relationships sets an unrealistic and ultimately damaging expectation. Popular culture often portrays love as an unending stream of “butterflies and fireworks,” a state of perpetual euphoria. This idealized image ignores the reality of human emotions, which are naturally fluctuating and complex. When real relationships inevitably encounter challenges – as all relationships do – this unrealistic benchmark can lead to feelings of failure and disillusionment. The absence of constant “fireworks” is wrongly interpreted as a sign that something is fundamentally wrong, rather than a normal ebb and flow in the dynamic of love.
Shifting the Focus: Connection and Core Values
If relying solely on “feelings” is misleading, how do we gauge the health of a relationship and understand what love truly feels like in a sustainable way? The answer lies in prioritizing connection and core values. Feelings are transient, influenced by countless factors, and therefore unreliable indicators of long-term relationship health. Instead of chasing fleeting emotions, we need to ground ourselves in the more stable foundations of connection and shared values.
Connection: The Foundation of Friendship
At its heart, healthy love feels like a deep connection with another human being. This connection is rooted in genuine liking and respect for your partner as an individual. It’s the feeling of emotional safety, knowing you are supported and that your partner serves as both your secure base and safe haven. While this sense of security might not be constant, especially during conflicts or periods of disconnection, it should be a consistent undercurrent in the relationship. Long-term love is fundamentally built on a strong foundation of friendship. It’s characterized by a mutual sense of prioritization – knowing that you and your partner place each other first in your lives, offering consistent support and making each other a priority. This doesn’t mean constant agreement or unwavering attention, but a fundamental understanding that you are both committed to nurturing the bond and placing it at the forefront.
Core Values: Shared Vision for the Future
Beyond connection, shared core values are crucial in defining what healthy love feels like over time. These are the fundamental principles that guide your lives and shape your vision for the future. Common ground in areas such as views on having children, desired lifestyle, the role of religion (even without identical beliefs, a mutual understanding and agreement on its place in your lives, especially regarding children), work ethic, and approaches to finances are vital for long-term compatibility. These shared values provide a roadmap for navigating life together and minimize potential sources of conflict down the line. Furthermore, a shared commitment to working on the relationship and owning personal imperfections is a key indicator of a healthy partnership. The ability to apologize sincerely and take responsibility for one’s actions (“being able to say ‘I’m sorry’ goes a long way”) fosters a culture of growth and resilience within the relationship.
Absence of Red Flags: Identifying Dealbreakers
Finally, understanding what love feels like in a healthy context also involves recognizing what it shouldn’t feel like. The absence of significant “red flags” is a critical factor. Red flags are defined as destructive patterns or behaviors that undermine the safety and well-being of the relationship. These include addictions (to substances like drugs or alcohol, gambling, sex, or compulsive lying) and any form of abuse (betrayal, emotional, or physical). While some challenges and less severe red flags can be addressed with commitment and effort from both partners, the presence of these serious red flags often indicates fundamental issues that require professional intervention or may signal an unhealthy or unsafe relationship dynamic.
The Oatmeal Analogy: Warm, Comforting, and Tender
A comforting bowl of oatmeal, symbolizing the warm, tender, and everyday feeling of healthy love, moving beyond fleeting fireworks and focusing on lasting connection and support in relationships. Keywords: love, feel like, oatmeal, comforting, relationship, connection.
It’s important to recognize the rarity of finding a truly good partnership that embodies these qualities. Often, individuals leave loving, healthy, and compatible relationships because of the elusive feeling that “it just doesn’t feel right.” They chase the myth of constant fireworks, only to realize that this fleeting sense of unease can surface in any relationship with available partners. The “grass is always greener” syndrome leads to a perpetual search for something “better” out there, someone who will magically alleviate the inherent pain and complexities of being human. However, shifting from this external search to internal responsibility is key. It’s not someone else’s job to make us feel complete or rescue us from our own emotional landscapes. Instead, cultivating gratitude for the good that exists in our current relationship and focusing energy on nurturing that connection becomes paramount. This shift allows us to focus on the person who is present and willing to share life with us, cultivating our own sense of aliveness and well-being from within, rather than expecting it to be externally provided.
So, what should love feel like? Beneath the surface anxieties and intrusive thoughts, healthy love should feel, as simply and profoundly put, like a bowl of oatmeal: warm, comforting, and tender. At the end of the day, in the quiet moments and amidst life’s storms, this is often all we truly crave – a steady, reliable comfort and a gentle tenderness that sustains us.
Conclusion
In conclusion, understanding what love feels like transcends the fleeting highs of “butterflies and fireworks.” Healthy love is characterized by a deep and consistent connection, built upon shared core values and mutual respect. It’s about feeling safe, supported, and prioritized within the relationship. While struggles and fluctuations in feelings are normal, the foundation of connection and shared values provides stability and resilience. Embrace the “oatmeal” of love – the warm, comforting, and tender everyday reality – and recognize that true and lasting love is found not in constant excitement, but in the quiet strength of a meaningful and supportive partnership.
