Unconditional love. It’s a phrase we hear often, especially in the context of family and romance. But what does it truly mean to love unconditionally? Is it even possible? And if it is, how do we practice it in our daily lives?
Many of us operate on a system of conditional love without even realizing it. We might find ourselves more loving and patient when things are going smoothly, and less so when faced with challenges or disobedience. As one parent candidly admitted, “We tend to be Christlike when the kids are behaving and harsh when they are disobedient.” This highlights a common struggle: our love often feels contingent on the actions and behaviors of those we care about. We might think, “I would love them unconditionally if they would just act right.” But this “if” reveals the conditional nature of our affection. This approach makes others, especially our children, scapegoats for our own reactions of anger or impatience.
However, this conditional approach has long-term consequences. As children grow into adults, they may, in turn, blame their parents for their own struggles, mirroring the conditional love they experienced. This cycle can perpetuate misunderstandings and hurt across generations.
So, how do we break free from this cycle and truly love unconditionally?
The essence of unconditional love lies in a conscious choice to love and respect regardless of circumstances. It’s about adhering to principles like those found in Romans 12:10 and 1 Peter 2:17, which encourage us to put on love and respect despite external conditions.
When we fail to embrace this principle, we often resort to rationalization. We convince ourselves that external factors or other people’s actions force us to react harshly or rudely. We might say, “They made me do it,” placing blame outside ourselves instead of taking responsibility for our own reactions.
To truly understand unconditional love, we can look to Jesus as our ultimate example. His love for us is not based on our performance or perfection. Romans 8:1–2 reminds us that there is nothing we can do to make Him despise or reject us, even after we sin.
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Yet, while God’s love is unconditional, it doesn’t mean that our actions are inconsequential to Him. He disciplines us, as Hebrews 12:5–11 explains, because He cares and wants us to grow. Similarly, in parenting, unconditional love doesn’t equate to permissiveness or the absence of boundaries. Loving our children unconditionally means offering them love and respect even when they are undeserving. It’s about maintaining a loving and respectful demeanor, especially when they fail or disobey. It’s not about what they are lacking, but about embodying the love God calls us to give.
Many can attest to the challenging nature of practicing unconditional love. It’s not an innate, automatic response. One individual shared their personal journey: “I had to learn (more accurately, I am still learning) to love my children unconditionally; it does not come automatically.” Reflecting on past parenting experiences, they realized how often they reacted in anger without considering Christ’s example. There was a disconnect between their actions and the principles of Christ-like love. Over time, through confession, apology, and repeated effort, they consciously tried to emulate Christ’s unconditional love, reminding themselves of God’s presence in their parenting and seeking His help in moments of frustration.
Personal backgrounds and family experiences can significantly influence our ability to love unconditionally. Negative patterns from our own upbringing, even when consciously rejected, can resurface and impact our interactions. As psychologists note, our “family of origin” exerts a powerful influence. These ingrained patterns can make parenting and loving unconditionally more challenging for some. However, there is hope and help available.
Larry, a professor, shared his realization that understanding unconditional love intellectually is different from practicing it:
I know I cannot achieve this on my own and that this won’t be easy. I have seen some aspects of my father rise up in me from time to time (when that happens, I stop and experience a “psychological vomit” because I am so repulsed). But relying on the Holy Spirit, I have experienced some of the fruits that God wants to come out of my life as detailed in Galatians 5:22–23.
Larry’s testimony highlights the crucial role of relying on a power greater than ourselves. He recognizes that willpower alone is insufficient for sustained change and emphasizes the need for divine assistance to break negative cycles and cultivate unconditional love, embodying the fruits of the Spirit described in Galatians.
Another mother shared her struggle with maintaining unconditional love amidst the daily challenges of raising a large family:
I have been having immense struggles with obedience with my seven-year-old son. I have been burdened with a dislike for him as we engage in this Family Crazy Cycle. I don’t want to be a part of it, but raising seven children ages thirteen to four months, with a husband that travels at times, I start to lose my purpose in serving the Lord. Your message today was so freeing… I was at my end, exhausted from my inability to break this cycle. I am going to look beyond him and see Christ. I am going to reflect on Scripture to show Jesus’ love for him. I am going to let God do the work to mold him… I have been focusing on a few of his strengths and trying not to get wrapped up in a negative cycle of thoughts and anger… I keep my voice calm and focus on the correction to guide him. There have even been times when the Spirit has prompted me to just give him a big hug. I have seen some major changes within our relationship.
This mother’s experience demonstrates the transformative power of shifting perspective. By consciously choosing to see Christ in her child and focusing on God’s love, she was able to break free from a negative cycle and experience positive changes in her relationship with her son. Her story underscores that unconditional love is not merely a feeling but a deliberate choice and a process of seeking divine guidance.
Even in the face of extreme challenges, such as defiant and disrespectful behavior, the call to unconditional love remains. One father’s heartfelt confession reveals the struggle many parents face:
In the heat of the moment, in the face of volatile defiance, everything goes out the window . . . I’m simply trying to survive the situation without saying anything that I will regret forever. My child has several variations of manipulative, defiant, disrespectful insolence toward us as parents, which causes us the desire to strike him. He is a really sweet kid with a kind and even overly sensitive heart, but who can, in a matter of fifteen minutes, infuriate us to the point where we just want to lock him in a room and run away from home.
This father’s raw honesty highlights the immense difficulty of loving unconditionally when confronted with challenging behaviors. Feelings of inadequacy and fear are common when we fall short of our ideals of loving parenting.
However, it’s important to remember that parenting and relationships are not one-way streets. As we strive to love our children unconditionally, we may find that they, in turn, are shaping and influencing us in profound ways. God can use our children to teach us valuable lessons about love, patience, and reliance on Him.
The Holy Spirit is referred to as the Helper for a reason. Admitting our powerlessness to love perfectly is not a sign of weakness but a crucial step towards receiving divine assistance. It is “absolutely necessary — to admit that we are powerless to love perfectly a disrespectful and disobedient child.”
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By acknowledging our limitations and anxieties and casting them upon God, as 1 Peter 5:7 encourages, we open ourselves to receive His grace and strength. This reliance on God’s grace is key to embodying unconditional love, as Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 12:9: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Sarah’s testimony further illustrates this point: “I thought I was serious about growing spiritually until I had children. Then, after I had children, I really saw how much growing I had to do.” Children have a unique way of revealing our need for spiritual growth and dependence on God. They bring us to a point where we realize our inherent limitations and need for divine help.
As we surrender our weaknesses to Christ and seek His power, we can begin to love more unconditionally. Sarah also found that “Thanksgiving became my lifeline to the Lord.” Practicing gratitude, even amidst trials, shifts our focus to God’s power and provision, fostering a more positive and peaceful approach to challenges.
In conclusion, understanding what it means to love unconditionally is a journey of continuous learning and growth. It’s not a natural human inclination but a conscious choice rooted in faith and reliance on God’s help. It requires us to look beyond behaviors and circumstances, mirroring Christ’s love for us. It’s about offering love and respect even when it’s not deserved, setting healthy boundaries without withdrawing affection, and recognizing our need for the Holy Spirit’s guidance and strength. As we strive to love unconditionally, we not only bless those around us but also experience profound personal and spiritual transformation.
Perhaps now is a moment to acknowledge our need for God’s help in loving unconditionally. Let us surrender our families and relationships to Christ, praying, “Lord, not my will but Yours be done in this family.” Instead of relying solely on our own strength, we can embrace the truth of Zechariah 4:6: “‘Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,’ says the Lord of hosts.” And as we depend on Christ, we can also teach our children to do the same, building homes founded on faith and unconditional love, echoing the sentiment of Psalm 118:7: “Yes, the Lord is for me; He will help me”.
