Let me ask you something: What does love truly look like?
Take a moment before you answer. Really consider it. We often have immediate ideas about love, yet these are frequently shaped by superficial influences. Think about it – Hollywood movies, popular culture, and societal norms have molded our perceptions, often leading us to believe love is merely a fleeting emotion.
But love is profoundly deeper than just a feeling. In many respects, love is a conscious decision, a deliberate choice. Sure, those initial butterflies and warm sensations are part of it, but they don’t encompass the entirety of love. In fact, a significant portion of love is rooted more in active choice than in passive emotion.
One of the most insightful summaries of love comes from pastor Matt Chandler, who eloquently stated: “Love says: ‘I’ve seen the ugly parts of you, and I’m staying.’”
So, to circle back to my initial question: What Does Love Look Like? Love, at its core, is a choice.
I’ve shared this story before, but it’s worth revisiting here. Years ago, a friend from our church small group shared some surprising news. He was a young man who had moved to the U.S. from India and had struggled to find a lasting romantic relationship. So, when he spoke, we were genuinely taken aback.
“I’m engaged,” he announced. I remember a slight chuckle escaping me, thinking it was a joke. It wasn’t. Not at all. Having difficulty dating in the US, his family in India had arranged a Christian marriage for him – at the request of both him and his fiancée. They were about to meet for the first time very soon.
Essentially, they hadn’t fallen in love in the conventional sense; instead, they made a conscious decision to love. Fast forward to today, and this couple is one of the most steadfast and admirable pairs I know. They are parents to two wonderful children and navigate the typical challenges of married life. But the foundation of their relationship is this: they made a covenant with each other and with God, and they continue to build a joyful marriage.
Interestingly, arranged marriages actually have a considerably lower divorce rate – about ten times lower than “conventional” marriages. This suggests that basing a marriage on a deliberate choice, rather than solely on transient feelings, contributes to its longevity. Now, I’m not advocating that everyone rush out to arrange their marriage! (And it’s crucial to acknowledge that in some parts of the world, arranged marriages are forced and can be sources of fear and abuse). However, I am highlighting that feelings are often amplified and deepened by the choice we make to love, not the other way around.
This perspective might initially seem unromantic. I get it. That might be your first reaction. “Love is about those butterflies, right?”
But here’s a secret: the idea that love is a choice is incredibly empowering. It’s actually deeply reassuring. Why? Because feelings are fickle. They fluctuate and change. Therefore, they aren’t always reliable as a sole foundation. However, when you decide, resolutely, to love – and make that choice consciously, consistently, and continuously – it establishes an unshakeable foundation.
“Love says, ‘I’ve seen the ugly parts of you, and I’m staying,’” as Chandler wisely states. Again, this underscores that love is a choice. In any meaningful relationship, especially marriage, that’s profoundly comforting to hear. Knowing that your partner is actively choosing you, and choosing to stay, regardless of circumstances, is invaluable. Fourteen years into my own marriage, I can attest that I value that commitment far more than any fleeting “sweet nothings.” And this principle extends to all types of relationships.
We often romanticize love as this ethereal, almost magical phenomenon. But if you want to know what love truly looks like in real life? It’s choosing to see and accept the “ugly” parts, and staying anyway. And in a profound demonstration of this very principle, that’s precisely what Jesus did when he showed his love on the cross. He chose us, despite our imperfections and flaws.
Relationships Watchlist banner promoting films about love and commitment.
This month, we’ve curated some of our favorite films about love in The Relationships Watchlist. And as you explore these films, you’ll likely notice a recurring theme: choice.
God demonstrated his immeasurable love for us by choosing us even when we were far from him. Similarly, we reflect his love when we choose to love others, even when our feelings might waver. This powerful truth will become clear as you delve into the stories shared in the films by our Seconds.
As you watch, keep this thought in mind: “I choose love.”
Because love itself, Jesus, chose you first.
