For over three decades, I’ve been on a quest to understand the true meaning of lasting love. As a Doctor of Clinical Psychology, I realized that successful relationships hold valuable secrets. This realization propelled me on a personal journey to demystify the often-elusive concept of real and enduring consummate love.
My exploration involved studying thriving couples – a rare but rewarding endeavor – and learning from mentors, fellow psychologists, and relationship experts. My goal was to uncover the core dynamics that make love not just survive, but flourish. Ultimately, I identified four key practices that are essential for nurturing a love that lasts.
These practices have been instrumental in my own marriage with my husband, Sam, helping us navigate life’s inevitable challenges, from family issues to personal setbacks. More importantly, I’ve successfully guided thousands of couples in building their own fulfilling and consummate love relationships using these powerful principles.
Defining Consummate Love: Sternberg’s Triangular Theory
The term “consummate love” was introduced by psychologist Robert Sternberg to describe a relationship characterized by the harmonious presence of intimacy, passion, and commitment. These three elements are the cornerstones of a successful, healthy, and enduring passionate connection. In a relationship marked by consummate love, these crucial components not only endure but deepen over time. The critical question then becomes: how can we cultivate these elements in our own relationships? How can we translate these concepts into practical, actionable steps?
The path to lasting, passionate consummate love, and to your own “happily ever after,” involves four key action steps:
- Prioritizing Quality Couple Time to Deepen Intimacy
- Implementing Active Listening Sessions for Enhanced Connection
- Intentionally Planning for Sex to Sustain Passion
- Committing to and Actively Supporting Each Other’s Personal Growth
Action 1: Dedicated Couple Time: The Foundation of Intimacy
Research consistently demonstrates that couples who report the highest levels of intimacy are those who dedicate significant time to being alone together. This means creating space free from children, friends, family, lengthy phone calls, and digital distractions – time exclusively for the two of you.
In the early years of our marriage, Sam and I were both managing private practices and a therapy center. By the end of the day, exhaustion often took precedence over connection! Weekends were consumed by errands and our children’s activities. However, we recognized the potential danger of neglecting our need for couple time.
Our Intimacy Solution: Scheduled Alone Time
We made a conscious decision to schedule dedicated “Alone Time” twice a week – once during the day and once in the evening. We secured a reliable, permanent babysitter to ensure these times remained uninterrupted. For years, this scheduled time has been non-negotiable, a sacred commitment. It has become the bedrock of our friendship and connection.
Action 2: The Power of Listening Sessions: Building Deeper Understanding
Studies highlight that effective communication is crucial for fostering intimacy in relationships. At the heart of effective communication lies the ability to truly listen to your partner without judgment. When Sam and I first met as psychology graduate students, we were competitive and focused on our own achievements. Active listening was a skill we hadn’t yet cultivated. This lack of true listening created distance between us.
Our Communication Practice: Ten-Minute Listening Sessions
To bridge this gap, we implemented formal “Ten Minute Listening Sessions” every other day. During these sessions, one person has the floor to talk freely, sharing whatever is on their mind, while the other person simply listens attentively, without interruption or judgment. We used a timer to ensure a full ten minutes of uninterrupted listening. Crucially, anything shared during these sessions was considered sacred and off-limits for future arguments. Sam and I continue to use these sessions to continually rediscover each other. Mind-reading is ineffective; you can only truly understand your partner’s inner world through dedicated listening. Artful and committed listening is the gateway to lasting intimacy.
Action 3: Planned Passion: Nurturing Lifelong Sexual Connection
Sex releases oxytocin, often referred to as the “cuddle hormone” or “bonding hormone.” This powerful hormone strengthens feelings of attachment and connection. Sex also triggers a shared release of endorphins, associating positive feelings with your partner. Conversely, infidelity is a significant threat to love and passion. Regular sexual intimacy is a vital component in maintaining lifelong passion within a relationship.
Like many young couples after having children, Sam and I initially fell into the trap of prioritizing household tasks over our sexual connection. We’d exhaust ourselves with errands, leaving little energy for physical intimacy. We then wondered why we felt disconnected and lacked passion.
Our Passion Solution: Prioritizing Sexual Encounters
We made a conscious shift to prioritize sex, moving it to the top of our to-do list. We transformed one of our weekly dates into a “Regular Sexy Encounter.” We incorporated playfulness with lingerie, toys, and even videos, framing it as having an affair – with each other. To ignite the spark, we’d ask ourselves, “Would I wear this old bathrobe if I were meeting a new lover? What would I do or say?” Even if one of us wasn’t initially in the mood, initiating playful intimacy often shifted the energy and reignited desire.
While movies often depict spontaneous, passionate sex, the reality is that for long-term couples, great sex often requires planning and intention. Once the groundwork is laid, spontaneity can flourish. Think of it like planning a trip to an amusement park: you buy tickets, plan the route, and clear your schedule, and then you get to enjoy the thrill of the roller coaster. If you desire a lasting, passionate love relationship, prioritize having an ongoing “affair” with your spouse.
Action 4: Growth-Focused Commitment: Cultivating Mutual Flourishing
Research on long-term couples reveals that only a small percentage maintain consummate love over many years. Researchers affectionately call these couples “swans,” known for mating for life. fMRI studies on couples who reported being in love after an average of 21 years of marriage showed brain activity mirroring that of new lovers when shown pictures of their partners. They experienced the same passionate “limerence” without the anxiety and obsession often associated with new relationships.
In these “swan” relationships, commitment extends beyond simply staying together through challenges. While commitment is a fundamental cornerstone, these couples also commit to fulfilling each other’s deepest needs and actively supporting each other’s personal goals and dreams. This dedication is known as the Michelangelo Effect. Like skilled mentors, these partners help each other become their best selves. Studies show they actively nurture each other’s skill development, success, and personal happiness, fostering self-actualization.
This differs significantly from the Pygmalion effect, where one partner dictates what they believe is “best” for the other and attempts to impose their will. Pushy, know-it-all advice and nagging are detrimental to both individual and relationship well-being.
Consummate Love in Action: The Michelangelo Effect in Practice
Focusing on your partner’s ideal self can yield remarkable results. A poignant example illustrates this:
When Nathaniel Hawthorne was unexpectedly fired, he returned home to his wife, Sophia, feeling defeated. He declared himself a failure. Sophia responded, “Are you kidding? This is wonderful, honey – now you can finally write your book!”
Nathaniel questioned their financial security. Sophia then revealed a large sum of money.
Astonished, Nathaniel asked where she got it.
Sophia exclaimed, “I always knew you had genius within you and would write a masterpiece someday. So, I saved a little each week for years.”
This unwavering belief and support from Sophia paved the way for one of American literature’s greatest novels, The Scarlet Letter.
Our Growth Commitment: A Shared Michelangelo Process
Sam and I cultivate our own Michelangelo process starting with daily intentional intimacy. We strive to understand each other’s deepest desires, callings, hopes, and dreams – every facet of each other’s ideal self. Then, we actively support each other in moving closer to those aspirations, whether in health, career, or spiritual growth.
For instance, Sam encouraged my dream of providing widespread psychological support. Through our love mentoring program, we’ve offered 20,000 free coaching sessions globally! I, in turn, supported Sam in reconnecting with his spirituality, leading to his weekly meditation sessions with participants nationwide. We are both more fulfilled and happier because we are pursuing our individual missions with each other’s unwavering support.
As Elizabeth Barrett Browning beautifully wrote:
I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me.
I love you for the part of me that you bring out.
Rekindling Passion Through Mutual Growth
Focusing on each other’s best selves fosters mutual respect, appreciation, intimacy, and dedication. This creates a positive cycle of giving and receiving understanding, care, and support. Deeper intimacy and individual success are shared and celebrated, embodying the beauty of consummate love.
Couples who grow together through their relationship naturally regenerate passion and chemistry. As they evolve, their interactions become more novel and spontaneous, leading to unexpected, delightful moments that reignite love and passion anew. This is the essence of consummate, passionate, and lasting love.
