What is Love in Buddhism? Exploring Unconditional Kindness

What is love? In many cultures, especially Western societies, love is often portrayed as a complex emotion centered around finding a single, ideal partner. This person is expected to fulfill a long list of our needs and dreams, and in return, we bestow upon them the exclusive privilege of our affection. This concept of love is deeply ingrained in romantic relationships, where we often seek a “soulmate” or “the one” who perfectly complements us.

However, reality often diverges from this idealized picture. The partners we choose, despite our initial hopes, are human beings with their own imperfections, vulnerabilities, and habits – just like ourselves. This realization often dawns after years of being together, as the initial infatuation fades and everyday life sets in.

Today, let’s explore a different facet of love, one rooted in the Mahayana Buddhist tradition. This is a pure, unbiased form of love that transcends personal attachments and can be cultivated by anyone, regardless of their relationship status. It’s a practice that brings immense joy and peace to the mind, which can then be shared universally – with partners, family, friends, strangers, and even those we consider enemies.

Defining romantic love can feel like chasing our tail. Dictionaries often describe love as intense romantic attachment, and romance as a deep feeling of love, leading to a circular definition that doesn’t quite capture its essence. It’s a feeling often felt deeply but hard to articulate precisely.

In contrast, the Buddhist understanding of love offers a simpler, more direct approach. In the ancient languages of Buddhist teachings, Sanskrit and Pali, the words maitri and metta respectively translate to “love.” But their meaning goes beyond romantic notions, simply signifying the wish for others to experience happiness. This is the foundational principle of Buddhist love: wanting happiness for all beings.

Romantic love, and even the love we feel for family and friends, often comes with conditions. Many of us experience love as transactional. We expect something in return for the love we give. In romantic partnerships, this can manifest as expecting affection in return for affection, or expecting time and energy to be reciprocated. When these expectations are not met, we might withdraw our love and seek it elsewhere, from those who seem more likely to reciprocate.

There’s no shame in acknowledging this conditional aspect of love. It’s a common human experience. However, recognizing these inner expectations is a crucial step. It allows us to look beyond this transactional form of love and explore the pure, unconditional love that Buddhism refers to as loving-kindness.

This conditional love is intertwined with attachment. In Buddhism, attachment is recognized as one of the primary roots of mental suffering. This isn’t about the healthy attachments of child to parent or loving partners, but rather the attachment that projects our happiness onto external factors, especially other people.

Attachment is the belief that our happiness hinges on others providing the love, affection, and attention we expect. It’s the delusion that another person can be the source of our inner contentment. Attachment exaggerates the positive qualities of another person and creates the illusion that their presence will solve our feelings of incompleteness and bring lasting happiness.

Buddhist psychology views attachment as a delusion, a fundamental misperception that fuels unnecessary mental suffering. By understanding this, we can open ourselves to exploring a purer form of love, one that is free from attachment and conditions.

True love, maitri or metta, is fundamentally unconditional. In its simplest Buddhist definition, love is the selfless wish for others to be happy. It’s about finding joy in their presence, offering affection, smiles, and support freely, without any expectation of reciprocation.

Lama Zopa Rinpoche, a renowned Buddhist teacher, succinctly captured the distinction between love and attachment: “Love is wanting someone to be happy. Attachment is wanting it to be me that makes them happy.”

“Love is wanting someone to be happy. Attachment is wanting it to be me that makes them happy.”

—Lama Zopa Rinpoche

This pure loving-kindness desires happiness for others, regardless of the source. This selfless love can certainly exist within romantic relationships. In moments of non-discrimination, when we are free from attachment, this pure love can emerge. It manifests when we act for our partner’s happiness even when it contradicts our own immediate desires or perceived needs – doing things simply because we know it will bring them joy.

A profound example of this selfless love is seen in the story of a woman on her deathbed. With her last words to her husband, she expressed her sincere wish for him to find another loving partner and live a happy life. She demonstrated the essence of selfless love – wishing happiness for her loved one, even if it meant that happiness would not come from her.

Selfless love is possible in romantic relationships, but often our love is entangled with attachment. This attachment can cloud our feelings and lead to anger, sadness, resentment, and fear when our partners fail to meet our expectations or fulfill our fantasies.

Contemplating our own mortality, like the example of the dying mother-in-law, can help soften these selfish tendencies. However, a more systematic approach to cultivate this selfless state is through meditation.

Meditation offers a powerful tool to cultivate unbiased love. It’s a practice that can be done alone and allows us to tap into an unending source of inner happiness. This cultivated happiness can then be shared freely with everyone around us. Ancient techniques, refined over millennia, provide simple yet effective everyday practices to reveal this inherent source of joy and love within us.

Cultivating this form of love leads to equanimity. With equanimity, happiness becomes independent of external circumstances. You can find contentment whether you are alone or with others. You are happy when your partner, family, and friends fulfill your desires, and you are also happy when they don’t.

Loving-kindness is not an artificial construct but a natural quality inherent within us all. We can cultivate and even perfect this unselfish love, making it the foundation for a more joyful and meaningful life.

Love Challenges Our Biased State of Mind

Have you ever noticed your own spontaneous reactions to strangers? Observing our minds as we encounter new people can be a revealing experience. We might notice ourselves making instant judgments and feeling strong emotions based on very little information.

Walking down the street, we might see someone and think, “They seem kind; I’d like to know them.” Then, another person passes by, and we might feel an instant dislike, thinking, “What a jerk,” based solely on their appearance or expression. Yet another person might evoke feelings of attraction, a desire to connect and share affection. And still another might trigger fear, prompting us to want to distance ourselves.

Examining these biases is particularly relevant today. Scientific and sociological perspectives offer explanations for some of these reactions, particularly regarding race or gender. Cultural narratives and media representations can heavily influence our subconscious biases towards people who look different from ourselves.

However, these explanations don’t fully capture the depth of these instantaneous reactions. The immediate feelings we have toward strangers remain a profound mystery. Many people describe a “love at first sight” experience, feeling an instant connection with someone they’ve just met, as if recognizing them on a deep, intuitive level. Conversely, we might experience an immediate aversion to someone new, sensing conflict or unease without any prior interaction.

Traditional Buddhist teachings offer an explanation rooted in karma. These spontaneous reactions are seen as echoes of past relationships from previous lives. Unconsciously, we might recall deep connections – whether as a child, lover, or enemy – with strangers, sparking strong emotional responses in the present.

Scientists offer alternative explanations. Cultural psychologists emphasize the role of learned biases embedded within our culture. We absorb these biases unconsciously by observing the behavior and attitudes of those around us. Evolutionary psychologists point to our tribal past, suggesting we are naturally inclined to trust those who resemble us. This could explain why we might feel instantly drawn to people who share similar characteristics.

It’s not inherently wrong to choose a partner who shares similar backgrounds or traits. There is great joy in the affection between partners, even when that love is biased or partial.

“In true love, you attain freedom. When you love, you bring freedom to the person you love. If the opposite is true, it is not true love. You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”

― Thich Nhat Hanh, Zen master and Buddhist monk

Mindfully Examining Our Bias

However, it is both honest and insightful to examine the biases inherent in our love. Mindfulness offers a way to become aware of these biases. By paying attention to our reactions to people, we can observe who we naturally offer affection to, who we withhold it from, who we instantly dislike, and who we ignore.

In daily life, or while watching videos online or on television, practice noticing your spontaneous reactions to people. Try watching the news or a movie with the sound off and observe your mind’s reactions to the moving bodies and faces on screen.

This can be a revealing meditation in itself. Observe the surprisingly strong reactions you have toward strangers you know nothing about. Labeling these reactions – attachment, aversion, or indifference – can be helpful in understanding your own mind.

Through mindfulness, we can also observe our interactions with those closest to us. It can be challenging, but try to pay close attention to your mind’s desires and aversions as you interact with your partner, children, friends, colleagues, and neighbors throughout the day.

You might discover that many of your feelings are self-centered. They revolve around what others do or don’t do for you, what you want from them, what annoys you, and what you want them to change. This reveals the transactional, biased form of love, rather than selfless love, that often dominates our interactions.

When we closely examine these biased feelings – love with strings attached – we notice a sense of agitation in the mind. They create unease and dissatisfaction, a feeling that happiness is contingent on others behaving as we wish.

We cannot control the world or other people, but we can control our minds. This is the motivation for cultivating selfless, unconditional loving-kindness. It’s about wishing happiness for others without expecting anything in return, letting go of attachment and embracing a more expansive and liberating form of love.

Big Love

Venerable René Feusi, a respected Buddhist teacher, beautifully described this loving state of mind:

“Within the mind of non-attachment there can be love, which is the wish for other people to be happy. Love is a happy state of mind. The inner state of bliss pervaded by the joy and warmth of love. But you don’t depend on other people. You don’t depend on the object or person you love. Love is giving freely. You radiate love.”

When love is extended freely to everyone we encounter, even in our imagination, it transforms into a greater and more beneficial mental state known as Great Love, or mahamaitri in Sanskrit.

Lama Yeshe, another revered Buddhist teacher, often referred to this as “Big Love.” This term feels more approachable and less intimidating than “Great Love,” making the concept more accessible.

While love might initially be directed towards a select few loved ones, Big Love encompasses the wish for happiness for all beings, without exception. It transcends romantic love and even the biased love we feel for those close to us.

Big Love extends to the vastness of all beings everywhere, including not only humans but also animals – dogs, cats, cows, chickens, fish, flies, and ants. All living beings share the fundamental drive to seek pleasure and avoid pain. Big Love wishes even these creatures to experience whatever happiness they can, and aspires to be a source of that happiness.

The Dalai Lama emphasizes the importance of cultivating universal love. Every morning, he renews his commitment to this ideal through a prayer by the Buddhist saint Shantideva:

For as long as space remains,
For as long as sentient beings remain,
So shall I too remain,
To dispel the miseries of the world.

Each day, the Dalai Lama recommits to benefiting all beings for eternity. This daily reflection on love, grounded in a commitment to future lives, becomes a profound source of reliable happiness. It is evident in the Dalai Lama’s own demeanor – unlike many world leaders who are often stressed and impatient, he embodies a sense of peace and universal concern. This stems from grounding every thought and action in Big Love, Great Love, Universal Love.

A simpler expression of this sentiment is the common Buddhist prayer: “May all beings have happiness and its causes.” This is echoed in the Hindu mantra, “Lokah samastah sukhino bhavantu,” which also means “May all beings everywhere be happy and free.”

“Lokah samastah sukhino bhavantu”
May all beings everywhere be happy and free

—Well-known Hindu prayer of unknown origin

The Benefits of Big Love

Tibetan Buddhist meditation practices, among others, offer methods to cultivate this Big Love, Universal Love, Great Love. These meditations, when practiced regularly, can transform our minds.

Scientific studies are now validating the transformative power of meditation. Research shows that long-term Buddhist practitioners exhibit enhanced activity in brain areas associated with empathy and well-being. This provides empirical evidence for the mind-transforming potential of these ancient practices.

Cultivating loving-kindness through meditation leads to a range of positive mental shifts. These include increased empathy, a stronger sense of social connection, and reduced bias. These benefits extend beyond the meditation cushion, permeating our daily lives and interactions.

With consistent practice, this open-hearted approach extends to our interactions with family, friends, strangers, and even those we consider enemies – the most challenging aspect of all.

Venerable Sangye Khadro (Kathleen McDonald), a Buddhist nun and author of How to Meditate, explains that meditating on love is a mind-transforming meditation. It’s not just meditating on an object, but meditating to transform the mind into a state of love itself.

While meditating on love is generally a pleasant experience, extending this love to strangers and enemies can present challenges. Reminding ourselves of the numerous benefits of cultivating loving-kindness can strengthen our motivation to practice. These benefits are supported not only by centuries of Buddhist tradition but also by modern scientific research.

Venerable Thubten Chodron highlights the transformative impact of loving-kindness meditation. It gradually shifts our habitual way of engaging with the world, so that our default mindset becomes one of loving-kindness. We instinctively approach every person – friend, stranger, or even enemy – with a sincere wish for their happiness.

Benefits of Meditating on Love

See the Good in Others: Meditating on love allows you to perceive all beings in their most positive and beautiful light, fostering a connection to their inherent kindness.
Become Lovable: Cultivating love makes you naturally become the object of others’ love and affection. As the saying goes, “If you want to be loved, make yourself lovable.” Warm-hearted, loving people naturally draw others to them and create joy wherever they go.
Find Stable Happiness: Meditating on love cultivates a natural happiness and contentment that is stable and independent of external circumstances, whether you are alone or with others.
Promote Health and Longevity: The positive mental state of love reduces stress and increases positive emotions, contributing to improved physical health and potentially longer life.
Enhance Communication and Achieve Goals: The balanced, positive energy of love is fundamental to effective communication and helps you achieve your goals, both worldly and spiritual. Effective communicators often radiate loving-kindness, which enhances their ability to connect with and influence others.

Love Isn’t Hard

Meditation on love should not be a difficult or arduous practice. While some meditations, such as those on suffering, death, or renunciation, might seem initially unappealing, their long-term benefits motivate us to practice them. In contrast, meditating on love tends to be immediately enjoyable and pleasurable. It feels natural, easy, and inherently good.

Hopefully, this exploration has inspired you to try loving-kindness meditation. It’s a practice that holds the potential to transform your experience of love, both for yourself and for the world around you.

We appreciate your engagement with this exploration of love. We encourage you to share your thoughts and feedback on how these insights resonate with you. Your reviews and feedback are valuable in helping us reach and support more listeners.

Credits

Hosted by Scott Snibbe
Production by Stephen Butler
Theme music by Bradley Parsons of Train Sound Studio