Losing someone we love is an experience that touches us all. If it hasn’t yet, it will. Imagine this: a close friend, a family member, someone from your community, or a neighbor has just experienced the death of someone dear to them. Adding to the complexity of grief, imagine your friend carries the heavy concern that the person who passed may not have shared their faith.
The atmosphere is thick with sorrow. Yet, “sadness” feels inadequate to capture the depth of emotion. “Despair” resonates more accurately, both for your grieving friend and for you as you witness their pain. Your friend is grappling with profound questions, trying to reconcile their understanding of God’s loving nature and biblical teachings with the uncertain eternal fate of someone they cherished. And you? You feel the immense pressure to offer words that are genuinely helpful and hopeful. You’re walking a delicate line, wanting to comfort deeply without resorting to simplistic platitudes or theological generalizations. It’s a challenging position, seeking to offer solace while remaining grounded in your faith. It’s okay, and even right, for this to feel incredibly difficult. Allow yourself to feel the weight of this moment. The very discomfort you experience is a testament to your shared understanding of the profound grief that accompanies living in a world touched by loss and uncertainty. Take heart in knowing that even though supporting your friend through this will stretch you, this very tension reflects a shared recognition of the appropriate sorrow in a fallen world.
Grief’s Distinct Landscape: Death of a Believer vs. Non-Believer
The tears shed when a non-believer passes carry a different weight than those for someone who has placed their faith in God’s grace through Jesus. Many find comfort in 1 Thessalonians 4:13 when grieving the loss of a believer. Here, the Apostle Paul offers solace to believers who have lost loved ones who also believed. He writes, “Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.” This comfort is specifically rooted in the shared hope in God that believers possess. Paul isn’t offering a blanket statement of comfort to everyone indiscriminately. The reality is, people die daily without knowing God, and this truth should deeply affect us, mirroring Paul’s own profound sorrow (Romans 9:1-3). This distinction is so significant that a respected pastor has openly shared that he would rather lead a funeral for a believer who died by suicide than for someone who, as far as anyone knew, never trusted in Christ for salvation.1 This highlights the unique dimension of grief when facing the potential eternal separation of a loved one.
Navigating the Conversation: Three Considerations for Offering Support
So, what do you actually do? How do you respond to your friend in this deeply sensitive time? I believe there are at least three crucial approaches you can take that honor both God and your friend’s emotional state.
1. Embrace Empathy: Weep Alongside Your Friend
Don’t rush past the fundamental act of weeping with your friend. In our eagerness to jump to solutions, offer answers, or feel like we’re “doing something,” we can easily overlook the profound power of simply sharing in their grief. This is not just emotionally resonant; it’s biblically grounded. Paul instructs believers to “weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15). The broader context of this verse doesn’t seem to differentiate between grieving with believers or non-believers. In fact, the surrounding verses suggest Paul’s instruction is even more relevant when interacting with those outside the faith. This means that even if your friend’s loved one did not share their faith, you are still called to wholeheartedly grieve with them over their loss. As a fellow believer with an eternal perspective, you have even more reason to do so, understanding the full weight of potential eternal separation. The account of Jesus at the death of his friend Lazarus (John 11:28-37) reveals the heart of our Savior when confronted with death. Jesus wept and was “deeply moved” (v. 33), likely indicating his righteous anger at the very existence of death in God’s creation. Notice two vital aspects of this event. First, Jesus was deeply saddened by death itself, even though Lazarus was a believer and was about to be resurrected. Second, Jesus, while divine, was also fully human – the only perfect human to ever live, and he grieved to tears. To weep with your friend is not only appropriate, it is Christ-like.2 It acknowledges their pain and validates the depth of their loss in a profoundly human way.
The profound grief of Jesus at the death of Lazarus, even knowing resurrection was coming, exemplifies the Christ-like empathy we should extend to grieving friends.
2. Acknowledge the Unknown: God’s Sovereignty and the Mystery of Salvation
Secondly, it can be genuinely helpful to gently remind your friend that the eternal destiny of their loved one is ultimately known only to God. This is a delicate point and can be easily misconstrued as universalism, a path many unfortunately take. The often-heard sentiments at secular funerals can sometimes reflect this diluted hope. However, this reminder, when carefully expressed, need not compromise biblical truth and hope. Even as we may not be able to say with certainty, “We grieve with hope” in the same way we would for a believer, stories like the thief on the cross beside Jesus (Luke 23:43) and the parable of the laborers in the vineyard (Matthew 20:1-16) remind us that God’s grace can reach individuals even at the very end of life, even on their deathbed. As one pastor wisely observed about the thief on the cross, imagine the astonishment of any God-fearing relatives if they were to encounter him in Heaven This is not about offering false hope or presuming upon deathbed conversions. We are consistently called to “Seek the Lord while he may be found” (Isaiah 55:6). However, we also do well to humbly acknowledge that God’s grace is boundless and can extend to even the most unlikely soul at the most unexpected moment. This reminder offers a sliver of light in a dark time, without diminishing the seriousness of faith or the urgency of responding to God’s call.
3. Anchor in God’s Character: Justice, Goodness, and Unfailing Love
Third—and this is ultimately where you must gently guide your friend’s heart and mind—we must firmly lean on the unwavering goodness and perfect justice of God. Abraham, wrestling with the impending judgment of Sodom, rhetorically asks in Genesis 18:25, “Will not the Judge of all the earth do right?” Abraham is essentially declaring to God, “It is unthinkable that you would do anything other than what is perfectly just!” This is the bedrock truth we must hold onto: God is absolutely perfect in goodness, love, and justice in every single one of His dealings with humanity. This doesn’t mean we won’t wrestle with questions in our hearts. Paul himself seems to anticipate our internal struggles concerning God’s goodness and the eternal state of others (Romans 9). But ultimately, Paul’s response is one of submission to God’s unsearchable wisdom and goodness (Romans 9:20). So it must be with us.
In the immediate aftermath of loss, this theological anchor may not be the first thing you articulate to your friend. Timing and sensitivity are crucial, and your friend may not be emotionally ready to fully grasp such a statement initially. However, Genesis 18:25 must fundamentally guide your own perspective and understanding. Your first response is empathy, to weep with and support your friend. But if and when your friend voices questions that echo “Is my loved one really condemned?” or “How could God allow this?”, you can gently and patiently remind them of Genesis 18:25. You may or may not need to quote the verse directly, but you can articulate the profound justice of God, intrinsically linked to His unparalleled goodness. He is not merely fair in a detached sense; He is inherently good towards His creation. God’s mercy is abundantly clear in His response to Abraham’s plea for Sodom. “For the sake of ten [righteous people] I will not destroy it” (Genesis 18:32). God doesn’t become angry or impatient with Abraham for his intercession; He would have gladly shown mercy. We see similar examples of intercession later with Moses (Exodus 32-33) and with Jesus himself (Luke 23:34).
We must hold fast to the justice, goodness, and mercy of God. As John Piper wisely stated, “God does not do anything we will not ultimately approve someday.”4 We cling tightly to this truth. One day—perhaps not fully until we are in Heaven—your friend’s feelings and understanding will align perfectly with this reality. Be patient with your friend. Grief, especially this kind of grief, doesn’t follow predictable patterns. We often say and feel things in moments of intense pain that don’t fully represent our deepest beliefs. “Why have you [God] forgotten me?” cries David (Psalm 42:9). It’s unlikely David literally believed God had abandoned him. So why express such a sentiment? Because that’s how his situation felt. There is no indication that God punished or rebuked David for voicing such raw emotion.5 In time, your friend, even if they express similar feelings of despair now, may look back on this period with profound gratitude for God’s kindness, patience, and tender care for them – and for your faithful reflection of those qualities in their time of need.
A Beacon of Hope: Looking Towards God’s Promise of Restoration
Finally, there is a future hope we can offer. A day is coming when God will ultimately set right everything broken and marred by sin. We desperately need this hope to persevere through trials. Shortly before his crucifixion, Jesus reassured his disciples, “So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy from you” (John 16:22). The Apostle John, describing the essence of Heaven for believers, writes of God, “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away” (Revelation 21:4). Pray for wisdom to know when the moment is right to gently remind your friend of this enduring hope. God has revealed these promises because He knows we would need to hear them. We all need reminding. One day, your friend will see Jesus face to face. And in ways we cannot fully grasp now, without diminishing the pain they are currently experiencing, Jesus will transform every broken thing into something beautiful. Your friend will find a contentment that surpasses understanding. That day is coming. It is surely coming.
[1] John Piper, “How do you deal with the death of an unsaved loved one?” Desiring God, August 10, 2009, https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/how-do-you-deal-with-the-death-of-an-unsaved-loved-one. The aim of this remark is not to “rank” categories of grief. As one of my counseling mentors, Brad Hambrick, once said, suffering is not a competitive sport. Instead, the point is that there is a distinct quality of grief that accompanies the type of death being discussed in this post.
[2] Russell Moore, “What Should You Say at an Unbeliever’s Funeral?” RussellMoore.com, June 30, 2017, https://www.russellmoore.com/2017/06/30/say-unbelievers-funeral/. Moore’s comments here were helpful in shaping my thinking of what I would say (and not say) if at the funeral of an unbeliever.
[3] Ibid. Moore references a pastor who spoke at a chapel message during his time at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary.
[4] John Piper, “How do you deal with the death of an unsaved loved one?” The key word in this quote is “ultimately.”
[5] John Piper, “Spiritual Depression in the Pslams,” Desiring God, June 1, 2008, https://www.desiringgod.org/messages/spiritual-depression-in-the-psalms. This is one of my personal favorite sermons of all time. Psalm 42 is not a happy psalm, and it does not even have a happy ending. I think this is instructive for us. The fact that God would include a psalm like this in the Bible is remarkable, and it stands as a reminder that He cares about the full range of human experience and emotion. One of the reasons we can trust Scripture is that it is true to life; it does not merely include the “good stuff.” Piper also helpfully includes some content from the book of Job to complement Psalm 42.
