Is your relationship thriving? Do you feel truly connected to your partner? It’s a common question many of us ponder: “Does my partner truly love me?” While there’s no single definitive answer, understanding how your partner interacts with you can offer valuable insights. This isn’t about grand gestures, but the small, everyday moments of connection. Let’s explore how the concept of “bids,” as researched by renowned relationship expert John Gottman, can help you gauge the health and depth of your love connection. This isn’t a quiz with a score, but a journey of understanding.
The Power of Bids in Relationships
A “bid” is any attempt, verbal or non-verbal, to connect with your partner. It can be as simple as a shared glance, a question about their day, a request for help, or even a playful nudge. How your partner responds to these bids speaks volumes about the state of your relationship. These seemingly insignificant interactions are actually the building blocks of intimacy and connection.
John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, spent decades studying couples in his “Love Lab” to understand what makes relationships succeed or fail. His groundbreaking research revealed that successful couples are masters at recognizing and responding positively to each other’s bids for connection. He observed couples discussing everything from their first meeting to recent arguments, analyzing not just the content of their conversations, but the subtle ways they interacted.
Turning Towards, Turning Away, and Turning Against
Gottman identified three primary ways partners respond to bids:
- Turning Towards: This is a positive response, acknowledging and engaging with the bid. It can be a simple “yes,” a thoughtful answer, or even a warm smile. This demonstrates care, attention, and a desire to connect.
- Turning Away: This involves ignoring or dismissing the bid, often without malice. It might involve continuing to read, scrolling through a phone, or simply not responding. While not always intentional, repeated turning away can create distance and erode connection.
- Turning Against: This is a hostile or negative response, often involving criticism, sarcasm, or defensiveness. This actively rejects the bid and can be incredibly damaging to the relationship.
Recognizing Bids in Everyday Life
Bids come in countless forms and can be easily missed. A tired “I had a rough day” might be a bid for comfort. A shared funny meme could be a bid for laughter and shared enjoyment. Recognizing these subtle attempts at connection is crucial for building a strong relationship. They are the threads that weave the fabric of intimacy.
Does Your Partner Love You? Look for the Bids.
While this isn’t a traditional quiz, observing your partner’s responses to your bids can offer a powerful lens through which to view your relationship. Do they consistently turn towards you, demonstrating interest and engagement? Or do they frequently turn away or against you, creating a sense of disconnection and loneliness? Consistent turning towards is a strong indicator of love, respect, and a healthy relationship foundation.
Gottman’s research showed that couples who consistently turned towards each other had a much higher chance of staying together and being happy in their relationship. This wasn’t about avoiding conflict, but about how they handled the small, everyday interactions.
Building a More Connected Relationship
If you find that turning away or against is common in your relationship, don’t despair. Awareness is the first step. Start by paying closer attention to your partner’s bids and making a conscious effort to turn towards them. Practice active listening, put down your phone, and engage fully in conversations. Small changes in how you respond to bids can have a profound impact on the long-term health of your relationship. It’s a continuous process of learning and growing together.
Beyond the Quiz: Investing in Your Love
Understanding the concept of bids is more than just answering the question, “Does my partner love me?” It’s about building a deeper understanding of how you connect and interact with each other. It’s about fostering a relationship where both partners feel seen, heard, and valued. By focusing on turning towards each other, you can create a stronger, more fulfilling, and lasting love.
